Heart Wrenching feelings of a student before death (Peshawar attack Dec 16, 2014)

 I gained consciousness as a bright ray of sunlight stung my eyes: coming from the curtain slightly drifting aside as it swayed due to gust of wind entering my room through an opened window followed by wild chirping of birds. Here I was with my head sunk in my feathery pillow and my body rolled up in my warm quilt. ”What a pleasant day!” I remarked to myself then stepped out of the comfort of my bed and started getting ready for school.

I stuffed the bread in my mouth and gulped the glass of milk hurriedly as the horn of the school bus sounded. In a rush, I grabbed my bag and hanged it on my shoulder. Before departing the door, my mother said a little prayer, kissed me goodbye and said “I will make your favourite cheese pizza for you today so don’t eat out with friends.” Upon hearing this, I excitedly punched in the air while entering the school bus. I couldn’t find a decent seat anywhere, the only unoccupied seats were at the back, where I would had to experience a bumpy ride. Angrily hissing, I began to complain under my breath, which the bus conductor overheard. He smiled and in an attempt to make me happy promised to save a front seat for me tomorrow.

I decided to look out of the window in a hope to distract myself from the clatter of the bus. Several fields, buildings, and trees were left behind as the bus sped on. The graveyard came into sight, Almost everyday I used to look at the front most grave, it was of a boy who died at the age of 17 in a car accident. I used to think how early he had returned to God. There was so much more for him to see and experience in this world. While I was feeling pity for him, the familiar green board appeared and I muttered what it read “Army public school and college”. The bus came to a halt with a jolt, accompanied by pushes of the boys; trying to make their way through the crowded bus and be the first one to step out. It was part of my daily routine, I was in no such hurry. Therefore, was the last one to leave the vehicle.

Upon entering the school premises my best friend, Ahmad waved at me, I strode towards him and extended my hand for a salam which was instantaneously turned into a mighty hug from his side. I hugged back and enquired “When will you give me the new Biology notes that you recently got hold of? Don’t you remember its our test tomorrow?” He replied “I have given them to the photocopier, pick them from him in the evening.” After gossiping for a while we both headed for our class.

I settled down on my seat and waited for my roll to be called for the day 16 December, 2014 “Harris?” my sir called. “Present” I replied (present…) Classes went by, time passed with only one more to go. My stomach was rumbling, I glanced at the clock to see how much time has been left until I could go home and devour the pizza, my mother would have made out of love. Saad was reading the English lesson aloud “The girl was carrying her purse and goin..” Suddenly out of nowhere muffled thump thump noise began to interrupt our lesson. “Carry on, it’s just some construction work going on, I presume” Our madam instructed. Our class nodded in agreement doubtfully. Saad continued reading “Going on a walk to…” Thak Thaaak Thaaa It was the sound of clear gunshots, even though nobody said a word but the fear on everyone’s faces clearly depicted the delicacy of the situation.

We all began to panic. I stood there motionless, as if my feet were glued to the ground. Mouth agape, eyes popped- with fear and a myriads of hazy questions hit me at once knocking me clean out to the ground. Our madam’s face wrinkled with worry and she immediately advanced towards the door and started fumbling with the lock with her quivery hands until it was secure. She directed us to stack all the tables and chairs and hide behind them. With our trembling legs and sweaty palms we began to drag the furniture into two rows, forming a sort of shield we believed could protect us but in fact stationary wooden furniture against a fast metal bullet? No chance but we all ducked behind it because this was the most we could do. The gunshots became louder and louder as the terrorists proceeded to get near to us. We were trying not to make a noise so that we would go unnoticed but still I could hear the involuntary, shaky, short breaths of everyone along with my own. We compactly packed ourselves; getting closer to each other in a hope to feel safe in each other’s warmth of company. The fear kills you more times than death, which only comes once and wipes everything in a matter of few seconds but there we were with the death haunting us with time, which seemed like wouldn’t pass. My brain was functioning rapidly, I realized I didn’t want to die so early. So many desires of mine and my parents’, associated with me were yet to be fulfilled. I had to get married, have kids and watch them grow then marry them off and have little grandchildren to play with then die warm in my bed with my loved ones surrounding me. Not this way! Not in this biting cold! Not in this fear! Not when I wasn’t ready! Not at the hands of these terrorists! Nooooooo! I screamed at the top of my voice inside my head to overpower my thoughts that were driving me crazy.

The heavy footsteps advanced towards my classroom. We all were horrified and began to cry out loud uncontrollably. The door began to bang, someone was breaking it. The door, as weak and helpless as we were, was about to kneel down until our teacher stood in front of it, supporting it. Then I heard a gun shot and our madam collapsed on the ground, the bullet poked a hole in the door and ripped through her body sending jets of dark red, steaming blood from her wound, she was trembling with pain. The door sprang open dragging her aside and in marched the death angel (or death devil I should call), leaving a trail of bloody footprints behind; suited in a shalwar kameez which once was plain, peach coloured but now printed with splatters of red blood. He raised the gun at our madam’s head and pulled the trigger, a fountain of blood flowed from her neck. The class broke into screams and shrieks and cries and tears but his eyes were blinded by a veil of revenge beyond which he couldn’t see the innocent children pleading for mercy, pleading for an escape, pleading for life… We were helpless in front of the man standing before us with a gun in his hand telling us to recite kalma and the very next moment opened fire at my mates hiding behind the first row, as I used to with my rifle while playing GTA. It was so much fun there but not now- not in real life- not as a victim. The blood sprayed and splattered on the walls, the floor, the furniture, on everyone and everywhere… Next was our turn. The adrenaline was thumping inside my blood. The time expanded into gaping black hole as if prolonging our pain. There was a volcanoe of anger inside me after witnessing their barbaric act, it erupted and I stood up screaming and throwing the table at them that I was able to get hold of. The table was still in mid air when I heard several reports of rifle and felt hard blows on my body, my mind went completely numb, I felt senseless and unaware of my surrounding. My ears were deafened temporarily and I heard nothing but a faint teee sound.  There was a blackout for a moment and the very next moment I saw the table hit him square in his face followed by excruciating cutting and burning sensation in my body. The blood flowed from my wounds as a dark, red, hot liquid and immediately thickened forming a sticky puddle around me. I felt dizzy, my sight wasn’t able to keep pace with my surroundings. I looked around but my vision was blurred, I could make out several of my friends bathed in blood. There was a BLOOD FRENZY!

I hadn’t even achieved my aim yet. I wanted to follow my father’s footsteps and be an army officer to kill terrorists- like them. In distance, I could hear more gunshots chased by the screams of my school mates as the cold blooded murderers proceeded to kill. I was dying, we were dying- dying to serve as a warning, dying for revenge, dying for terrorism- in fact dying for nothing…  I wanted to sacrifice my life for a cause- a good cause, to be a symbol of bravery- not fear. Instead of confronting them while serving my country, I faced them when i was still young, unprepared, untrained and bare handed. I was assuring myself that it’s alright, it’s still a martyrs death, just a little earlier than anticipated. My family will understand. It’s okay.

I began to think with the little energy I was left with. My slice of pizza will remain untouched. The seat bus conductor would have saved for me will remain empty. The photocopier will keep on waiting for my arrival but my notes will remain unclaimed.

It was hurtful to think about my future plans which won’t be set to completion and it was painful to be in present so I fled to my past to find peace. Fragments of several memories flooded my brain forming a sort of a chain. The memory of my visit to the beach along with my family replenished. My parents were smiling brightly as the sun, I heard my and my sister’s laughter while playing tag game. She caught me and I was asking her to let go off me to which she replied ‘I’ll never let go off you’. Yes, you didn’t sister but I am going away forever. The sun was gradually disappearing in the horizon, it was beautiful and at last it vanished completely. – Blackout

I gained consciousness as a bright ray of sunlight kissed my eyes. All the pain was gone, the wound was healed. I felt light like the burden on my heart has been lifted. “Where am I?” I enquired. A voice replied ”In a better place.”

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Is Social Rejection the Key to Creativity?

One of the topics I am recently researching and writing about.

Cody Delistraty

On the psychology of why rejection and loneliness may be necessary evils for the creative genius

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Writing Memoir on Social Media

Awesome piece of writing. :’)

bottledworder

I’m doing something in the room and The Boy walks in stealthily from behind me and suddenly there is a shower of bubbles in the air and lots of childish laughter. I turn my face and I see a host of bubbles floating up and up and up towards the light, their shiny surfaces catching the light and turning them into iridescent rainbow hues. It’s hard to tell how each bubble will float away, where it will stick and when it will burst.  But together they transform the room.

Actually I’m not just sitting here doing something. I’m writing yet another blog post. It isn’t unusual at all, while I’m writing, for a childish face to peek in and insist on typing a word or two or close a window or want to check out a blinking light below the touchpad. But bubbles? They are new.

The bubbles floating…

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Be Your Own Saviour!

At certain points in life, you may have tasted the bitter defeat, sensed utter helplessness, mourned over the sorrows, mocked at your own pitiable state, perceived darkness and considered yourself a looser. Loosen hope even; the only thing that drives us on. Brought peace to your heavy heart by crying in the shadows of the darkness casted at the corner of your isolated room. Tucked your head in your knees, occasionally stealing glances at the clock; but it’s as if the time has come to a halt for you, the stretches between the minutes seem to expand into a gaping, black hole gradually sucking you in, and witnessed your whole life falling in a bottomless pit; loaded yourself with a pile of doubtful questions about your fate, got tired of running after mirages that even the flicker of light now seems a betrayal to you, as your stomach churns, heart thumps violently, guts turn upside down, feet turn ice cold, pulse rate escalates, hair stand on the edges following the shock waves travelling down your spine, goose bumps emerge on your pale skin, sorrowful tears could no longer flow, swollen eyes dry up gazing into the stygian dark ahead, numb mind preoccupied by scattered, unspoken thoughts could no longer process, killing silence exerts bursting pressure on your ears, energy could be felt draining out of your curled body and you so wish to have a shell like a tortoise to hide from the penetrating gazes of the world. Waiting for your brain to explode into million little pieces at any moment. Trying to convince yourself but all what happens is mixture of several low and loud voices pound inside your head. You feel as if you will be washed away from the surface of the land by the ravishing black sea as the sand particles are carried off the shore, get blown away by the bizarre wind of Mount Washington as does a minimal speck on a flower, get buried beneath all the burdens as wild wind of Sahara covers up numerous layers of sands, get lost amidst the echoes of the Krubera cave, blur into the dense fog of the Po valley, stray into the jumbled Tropical rain forest; Unknown and Erased from Existence!

We always seek for advantages at every step, so after you have been through all this phase, I          would pose you with a question. What did you achieve? Well, nothing except this self-induced pain. I never mentioned the problem. Did I? But alone our exaggerated reaction to ABC problem; it might be minor or a major one there is no specific scale it depends on where we classify it on our personal, emotional pain reception scale. Of course we all have encountered such circumstances which had made us a slave of our own fears. I don’t discourage crying, because it forces the stress hormones out of our body leaving us light hearted but don’t over think it gives rise to a series of irreversible reactions that are almost inevitable to stop like the atomic bomb itself, which worsens the situation and saddens us more than we ought to be. Instead take a moment out to pour out the bad feelings, let the volcano inside you erupt because you don’t want to keep the hot, burning lava inside your heart, it would disrupt your future plans. Human mind is prone to negative thoughts and in a way it aids our survival so don’t feel guilty for being a pessimist for a while but a balance should be maintained in every walk of life. The biggest power tool is “Faith”. Have a firm belief that “Everything happens for a reason, a good one” That we realise later on in our lives. (Trust me on this one). 

Now that it’s all out, wipe your tears and broaden your shoulders and stand stronger than ever with a smile playing on your lips as if you’re the saviour of oneself. Embrace bravely whatever lies ahead, you don’t need to hide or hesitate to step forward. You are who you are and you don’t need anyone to accept it but yourself. Clear your mind, be totally neutral and eliminate the emotions for a while, mentally map out a plan to get out of the situation. Never be double minded cause a person who tries to step on two boats together eventually drown. Make a decision and stick to it. Plan for the worst, expect nothing and pray for the best. (My father’s advice)

Short Life? Think again…

The time is the slave of none! It has an eagle’s flight, carelessly drifting away from sight. Like the particles of sand, you’re unable to hold tightly in your fist; they keep on slipping away with every passing second. With us being impotent to stop it, pause it, slow it down. All that we can do is grasping at it then letting it to go and learn to keep pace with it. Now the point is that as long as it remains in your hands. Enjoy life to its fullest. Live every moment. Cherish it! Because once lost, it will not return. Make the present worthwhile for living, live every day as if it’s your last day because who knows how near you’re to death. Accept yourself for who you’re! You’re what no one can ever be! Feel and embrace all the moments wholeheartedly. Spread your arms, widen your chest and welcome what lies ahead of you. Hear the hidden because hearing the audible is ordinary but what others can’t see, witnessing it is extraordinary.

Every single thing around us is the same yet some people listen the symphony of nature; the sweet melodious track that is being played almost all the time but hardly noticed by many. They fail to discover its essence of beauty; hear the deep message hidden in it; give it access to their souls. In today’s materialistic world we have trapped our soul in our bodies. We see from our eyes but not from our heart. We’ve become a slave of our body, leaving our soul struggling to free itself within. Freedom of soul is the freedom of our inner thoughts. Let those thoughts race, give them no boundaries. Let them fly, as high as they want to, to the unknown, never ending magical land. Feel it like you mean it! Every cell of your body could sense the tremors it sends down your spine.

 

Imagine yourself standing on a hill top, lush greeneries spreading as far as your sight could reach. The parrot green grass; keen to catch your attention, the dark green tall trees touching the sky; giving rise to an urge within you to soar up and last but not the least mild green bushes balancing the green hue. The colourful flowers scattered like beads on the meadow as if the nature has just broken a necklace and spread it around just for you. The bright sunlight falling and kissing every object adding its own charm to sight. Close your eyes and sense very deeply. Your feet pressed against the soft ground similar to the fuzzy cotton clouds suspended in the pale blue sky above you. Like it would never let you go. The cold, sweet, morning breeze blowing upon your face, whipping your hair behind the head as you smile with glee. Your skin feeling the cool wind brushing against your skin and the resistance it produces as tiny bodily hairs stand on its tips. Upon taking long breaths, a mixture of scent; soil wet by the dew drops, the aromatic flowers, the freshly cut grass, the sweet water of the stream, even the dry wind’s own fragrance enters your nostrils. Better than any precious bottled perfume. Let everything reach your heart and you can hear the twitter of birds, praising the lord and chirping in the search of food; the splash of the stream, the whirling wind; the rustle of trees, whispering mysteriously yet happily with each other and to top it up, flowers dancing to the rhythm. Just a simple morning that you consider ordinary is invaluable if you just open the gateways to your heart. Happiness springs within you. Life that we consider short isn’t short; if every moment is lived to its fullest it’s worthwhile.